Handling Separation Anxiety
Tearful, tantrum-filled goodbyes are common during a child’s earliest years. Around their first birthday, many kids develop separation anxiety, becoming upset when a parent, grandparent, or other primary caregiver tries to leave them with someone else.
Although separation anxiety is a perfectly normal part of childhood development, it can be unsettling.
Understanding what your child is experiencing and having a few coping strategies ready can help both of you navigate through this challenging phase.
About Separation Anxiety
Babies adapt quite well to other caregivers. In fact, parents probably feel more anxiety about being separated than infants do! As long as their needs are being met, most babies younger than 6 months adjust easily to other people.
Between 4–7 months of age, babies develop a sense of “object permanence.” They begin to realize that things and people exist even when they are out of sight. Babies learn that when they can’t see their caregiver, it means they’ve gone away. They don’t understand the concept of time, so they don’t know that the caregiver will come back, and they can become upset by the absence. For example, whether the caregiver is in the kitchen, the next bedroom, or at the office, it’s all the same to the baby, who might cry until the caregiver is nearby again.
Kids between 8 months and 1 year old are growing into more independent toddlers, yet they become even more uncertain about being separated from a parent. This is when separation anxiety develops, and children may become agitated and upset when a parent tries to leave.
Whether you need to go into the next room for just a few seconds, leave your child with a sitter for the evening, or drop them off at daycare, your child might react by crying, clinging to you, and resisting attention from others.
The timing of separation anxiety can vary. Some kids might experience it later, between 18 months and 2½ years of age. Some never go through it at all. For others, certain life stresses can trigger feelings of anxiety about being separated from a parent: a new childcare situation or caregiver, a new sibling, moving to a new place, or tension at home.
How Long Does It Last?
The duration of separation anxiety can vary widely, depending on the child and how family members respond. For some children, particularly those with certain temperaments, separation anxiety can last from infancy through the elementary school years.
Separation anxiety that interferes with an older child’s normal activities may indicate a deeper anxiety disorder. If separation anxiety suddenly appears in an older child, it could be a sign of other issues, such as bullying or abuse.
Separation anxiety differs from the typical reluctance older kids might feel when they don’t want a parent to leave, which can usually be overcome with distraction. Older children understand that their behavior can influence their parents. If you run back into the room every time your child cries or cancel your plans, your child may continue using this tactic to avoid separation.
What You Might Feel
Separation anxiety can evoke a range of emotions in you. It can be reassuring to know that your child is as attached to you as you are to them. However, you might also feel guilty about taking time for yourself, leaving your child with another caregiver, or going to work. Additionally, you may start to feel overwhelmed by the constant attention your child demands.
Remember that your child’s reluctance to leave you is a positive sign of the healthy attachment between you two. Eventually, your child will understand that you always return after leaving, and this reassurance will help them cope in your absence. This period also allows children to develop coping skills and a sense of independence.
Making Goodbyes Easier
Navigating through the challenging period of separation anxiety can be made smoother with these tips for both kids and parents:
Timing matters: Avoid starting daycare or childcare with a new person when your child is between 8 months and 1 year old, when separation anxiety first tends to appear. Also, try to depart when your child is well-rested, fed, and calm. Schedule your departures after naps and mealtimes whenever possible.
Practice separation: Gradually introduce your child to being apart from you. If leaving them with a relative or new babysitter, arrange for them to spend time together while you’re present at first. For daycare or preschool, visit together a few times before starting full-time. Practice leaving your child with a caregiver for short periods to help them adjust.
Establish a routine: Create a consistent exit ritual where you say a loving and firm goodbye. Stay calm and confident, reassuring your child that you will return — explain when in terms they understand, like after lunch. Give your full attention during goodbyes, and once you leave, stick to your departure without returning, as coming back can prolong distress.
Keep promises: Follow through on your promises to return at the specified time. Consistency builds your child’s trust that they can manage the time apart.
Support caregivers: If caring for a child experiencing separation anxiety, engage them with activities, toys, songs, or games to distract them. Be patient and try different approaches until something resonates with the child. Address their questions simply and directly to reassure them about their family’s return.
Despite the difficulty of leaving a crying child, trust in the caregiver’s ability to manage can help ease your own anxiety. Typically, by the time you leave, your child will settle and engage in activities, gradually easing their distress.
It’s Only Temporary
Remember, this phase of separation anxiety will pass. If your child has never been cared for by anyone but you, is naturally shy, or experiences other stresses, their separation anxiety may be more pronounced compared to other children.
Trust your instincts as a parent. If your child refuses a specific babysitter or daycare center, or shows signs of tension like difficulty sleeping or loss of appetite, it’s important to address potential issues with the childcare arrangement.
If intense separation anxiety persists into preschool, elementary school, or beyond and significantly disrupts daily activities, consider discussing it with your doctor. It could indicate a more serious condition known as separation anxiety disorder. Signs to watch for include:
- Panic symptoms (such as nausea, vomiting, or shortness of breath) or panic attacks before a parent leaves
- Nightmares specifically about separation
- Fear of sleeping alone (though common in children without separation anxiety as well)
- Excessive worry about getting lost, being kidnapped, or going places without a parent
For most children, separation anxiety diminishes naturally over time without requiring medical intervention. However, if you have concerns about your child’s anxiety, don’t hesitate to seek advice from your doctor.
