Assertiveness

Assertiveness is the ability to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly and respectfully while standing up for your rights without infringing on others’. It is a key communication skill that strikes a balance between passivity and aggression, fostering healthy relationships and mutual understanding. Being assertive helps you set boundaries, handle conflicts effectively, and build self-confidence. Developing assertiveness involves practicing open dialogue, using «I» statements to convey your perspective, and maintaining a calm yet firm tone, ensuring your message is both heard and respected.

What Is Assertiveness?

Assertiveness is a healthy way of communicating. It means speaking up for yourself in an honest and respectful way. We often face situations where being assertive can help us, such as asking someone out, approaching a teacher with a question, or doing well in an interview.

Not everyone is naturally assertive. Some people are too passive, while others are too aggressive. Assertiveness is the balanced middle ground between these two styles.

Being assertive means you can:

• Give an opinion or say how you feel
• Ask for what you want or need
• Disagree respectfully
• Offer your ideas and suggestions
• Say no without feeling guilty
• Speak up for others

Why Does It Matter?

An assertive communication style can help you achieve your goals while respecting others. Being assertive shows you respect both yourself and others.

Assertive people send the message that they believe in themselves. They aren’t too timid or too pushy. They know their feelings and ideas matter. This confidence helps them make friends more easily and resolve conflicts more effectively.

Too Passive? Too Aggressive? Or Just Right?

Here are some examples to help you identify your communication style:

• Too Passive: Paula often lets others decide for her. When asked what movie she wants to see, she says, «I don’t know — what do you want to see?» She speaks so softly that others talk over her without realizing it.
• Too Aggressive: Janine has no trouble speaking her mind, but she often comes across as loud and opinionated. She interrupts and rarely listens. Her sarcasm and putdowns leave others feeling disrespected.
• Assertive: Ben gives his opinion honestly and disagrees respectfully. He listens to others and values their viewpoints, even when he disagrees.

The Problems of Being Too Passive

People who are too passive may feel taken advantage of. They might start to feel hurt, angry, or resentful. By holding back their thoughts and feelings, they miss out on opportunities for others to get to know them and their ideas.

Feeling like their opinions don’t matter can lower their confidence and lead to feelings of depression.

The Trouble With Being Too Aggressive

People who are too aggressive may find it hard to keep friends. They might dominate conversations and express their opinions too forcefully, leaving others feeling put off or disrespected. While they might get others to do things their way, they often end up being disliked or losing respect.

Why Isn’t Everyone Assertive?

Several factors influence how people communicate. Part of it is personality, habits, and past experiences. We also learn to be assertive, passive, or aggressive by watching others, especially those who raise us.

• Reasons for Being Too Passive: Lack of confidence, worrying too much about pleasing others, fear of rejection, or not learning assertive skills.
• Reasons for Being Too Aggressive: Overconfidence, focusing too much on their own needs, not respecting others’ views, or not learning to listen.
• Reasons for Being Assertive: Confidence, valuing their own opinions, being resilient, respecting others’ preferences, having role models for assertiveness, and being encouraged in the past.

How to Be More Assertive

Being assertive involves practicing communication skills and having the right mindset. While some people are naturally more assertive, everyone can improve.

• To Be Less Passive and More Assertive:
  • Pay attention to what you think, feel, and want.
  • Practice saying what you prefer, even for small choices like picking a color.
  • Ask for things politely and give your opinion.
  • Use «I» statements like «I’d like…» or «I feel…»
  • Find a role model who is assertive and not aggressive.
  • Remind yourself that your ideas and opinions matter as much as others’.
• To Be Less Aggressive and More Assertive:
  • Let others speak first.
  • Avoid interrupting; if you do, apologize and let the other person finish.
  • Ask for others’ opinions and listen to them.
  • Disagree without putting others down. For example, say «I don’t like that idea» instead of «That’s a stupid idea.»
  • Find a role model who is assertive without being aggressive.
• To Improve a Naturally Assertive Style:
  • Notice where you’re already assertive and apply those skills in more challenging situations.
  • Think about how you would respond to a close friend to guide you in tougher situations.

Speaking assertively shows that you believe in yourself. Building assertiveness is an important step in becoming your best self.