Is conscious parenting the secret to a happy family?

Mindful and empathetic parents can potentially enhance the mental health of everyone around them, though this can be challenging.

When I was pregnant with my first child, I envisioned myself as the ideal mom—always present, calm, and focused, seldom getting angry with my kids.

However, like many parents, I quickly discovered—right around the onset of the terrible twos—that parenting, while wonderful, is also incredibly frustrating. It can evoke unexpected emotional reactions, and despite good intentions, consistently being the best version of yourself as a parent is challenging.

This is where conscious parenting comes in: this approach emphasizes self-reflection and understanding how your behaviors, thoughts, and emotions affect your child. Advocates believe it benefits both children and parents by prioritizing mental health and modeling mindfulness for the entire family.

Here’s what you need to know about conscious parenting, including examples of how it might look for your family and ways to implement it.

What is Conscious Parenting?

Conscious parenting is a parenting approach that emphasizes self-regulation, active listening, empathy towards children, and modeling desired behaviors. Clinical psychologist Dr. Shefali Tsabary first popularized this concept in her 2010 book, The Conscious Parent, blending Eastern mindfulness principles with Western psychology.

“Conscious parents are constantly working on their own mindfulness and emotional regulation skills to help their children develop these skills,” explains Cara Goodwin, Ph.D., a licensed clinical psychologist and member of the BabyCenter Medical Advisory Board.

Characteristics of Conscious Parenting

The conscious parenting style typically involves the following elements:

• Self-Reflection: Regularly looking inward to identify your triggers, become aware of your emotions, let go of ego, and strive to improve as a parent.
• Frequent Check-Ins: Having regular conversations with your kids to build a strong relationship and understand their perspective.
• Empathy: Consistently showing empathy to your children and inquiring about their emotions.
• Positive Reactions: Responding to challenging situations in a constructive manner and demonstrating healthy problem-solving skills.
• Mindful Behavior: Modeling mindfulness and practicing techniques such as deep breathing and meditation.
• Rule Discussions: Discussing rules and boundaries with your children ahead of time.
• Accountability: Taking responsibility for your actions and mistakes.

Conscious Parenting Discipline

Unlike many other parenting styles, conscious parenting emphasizes self-reflection and positive relationship-building over traditional discipline methods like time-outs or groundings. During frequent check-ins, conscious parents discuss their expectations and boundaries with their children collaboratively. Children are encouraged to voice their opinions, and if they disagree with their parents’ expectations, the goal is to have an open discussion to find a compromise.

“[With conscious parenting], you can try to change your perspective on your children’s challenging behavior by focusing more on your response,” adds Cara Goodwin, Ph.D.

Pros of Conscious Parenting

• Strengthens Parent-Child Bond: “This approach may improve the parent-child relationship since it focuses on showing your child empathy,” says Cara Goodwin, Ph.D.
• Enhances Mental Health: “The best thing a parent can do is to work on themselves and address their own stuff,” says Elizabeth Lombardo, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Get Out of the Red Zone. “We all have our own issues from childhood, and conscious parenting is really addressing that so you can be the best you possible.”
• Models Mindfulness: Conscious parenting involves continual self-improvement, which is a powerful example for children. “Kids have a huge BS meter,” notes Lombardo. “If you are saying one thing and doing another, in their minds they are not going to listen to what you have to say.” By demonstrating your own growth, you show your children how to practice mindfulness.
• Teaches Healthy Conflict Response: Both parents and children learn to handle conflict constructively. Conscious parents reflect on moments they wish they had handled differently and use these insights for personal growth.

Cons of Conscious Parenting

• Limited Research: More studies on this parenting style are needed. “Research on conscious parenting practices is limited, so we don’t know if this approach is effective for most parents,” says Cara Goodwin, Ph.D.
• Difficult to Implement: “Conscious parenting requires a high level of awareness and takes more time,” says Elizabeth Lombardo, Ph.D. “It’s easier if I yell at my kids and say it’s their fault.”
• Not Suitable for Everyone: Some parents may need additional strategies to manage their children’s behavior. Goodwin notes that strategies such as logical consequences and reward systems might be necessary for some families.

Examples of Conscious Parenting

How you practice conscious parenting will depend on your child’s age, maturity level, and your own emotional state. Here are some examples:

• Managing Emotional Reactions: Your 4-year-old misbehaves, and you find yourself yelling at them. Realizing your reaction was excessive, you apologize and say, “Next time I’m angry, I’ll work on my deep breathing. Do you want to put on a song we love, take some deep breaths, and do some jumping jacks together?”
• Addressing Frustrations: You’ve repeatedly asked your school-aged children to return the family laundry basket to the laundry room, but they always forget, and you end up searching for it, feeling frustrated. Reflecting on why this situation triggers you, you understand that occasional forgetfulness is normal. To alleviate the frustration, you decide to buy a few additional laundry baskets, ensuring there’s always one available.
• Empathizing and Compromising: Your family’s rule is that kids can get a smartphone when they turn 14. Your 13-year-old, feeling left out as the only one of her friends without a phone, desperately wants one. Instead of ending the conversation with, “This is our rule,” you sit down together, empathize with her feelings, and discuss her desire for a smartphone. You agree on a compromise to buy her a phone a few months before her 14th birthday, provided she accepts limits for use and you set strict parental controls on the apps she can download and use.

Conscious Parenting vs. Gentle Parenting

“Conscious parenting is often considered a form of gentle parenting that specifically focuses on the parent’s emotional response and awareness,” explains Cara Goodwin, Ph.D. It shares similarities and differences with other parenting styles, allowing parents who mainly follow another approach (authoritative, free-range, permissive, etc.) to incorporate conscious parenting practices occasionally.

• Similarities to Authoritative Parenting: Both conscious and authoritative parents are warm and loving with clear expectations for their children. However, conscious parents focus more on modifying their responses to their children rather than directly altering their children’s behavior.
• Comparison with Attachment Parenting: Like attachment parenting, conscious parenting emphasizes the parent-child relationship. However, conscious parenting does not stress specific behaviors, such as babywearing.
• Differences from Permissive Parenting: While both conscious and permissive parents are warm, loving, and less focused on discipline, conscious parents set clear expectations and boundaries, whereas permissive parents tend to avoid establishing limits, allowing children more control.
• Contrast with Free-Range Parenting: Free-range parents might discipline their kids, whereas conscious parents focus on self-regulation and positive relationship-building. Both styles are nurturing and grant more freedom than many other types, but free-range parents may set looser limits and place less emphasis on mindfulness practices.
• Distinct from Uninvolved and Authoritarian Parenting: Conscious parenting significantly differs from uninvolved or neglectful parenting, where there is low nurturing and minimal rules, and from authoritarian parenting, which imposes strict limits and tends to be less warm and nurturing.

How to Be a Conscious Parent

1. Have Compassion: Practice empathy for your children and consider situations from their perspective, acknowledging how your behavior affects them.
2. Look Inward: Focus on your own response rather than solely on your child’s behavior. Reflect on your triggers and understand why certain situations affect you.
3. Embrace Mindfulness Techniques: Strive for continuous self-improvement through practices like yoga, meditation, and deep breathing, enhancing emotional regulation skills for both you and your children.
4. Discuss Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries while communicating them openly with your children. Conscious parenting doesn’t mean there are no rules; it means boundaries are set and understood.
5. Hold Family Meetings: Ensure your children always have a voice by holding regular family meetings to discuss issues, emotions, and expectations together.
6. Consider Therapy: Seek therapy if you find it challenging to cope with difficult parenting moments. Individual therapy can help you understand your triggers and responses better.
7. Apologize When Necessary: Acknowledge your mistakes and apologize to your children when you’re wrong. Taking accountability and demonstrating humility are essential aspects of conscious parenting.

While conscious parenting offers numerous benefits, it can be demanding to implement. Remember to be kind to yourself and embrace the continuous learning process of parenting. “If you can be part of the process without judging yourself and focus on the spirit of continuous improvement, that can be really helpful,” advises Elizabeth Lombardo, Ph.D.