Coping with Parenting Decision Fatigue: Strategies for Survival
A few nights ago at 5:59 p.m., my husband gently asked what I wanted to have for dinner. He wasn’t implying that I get up and make our family of five a four-course meal. He wasn’t even hinting that I should boil a pot of spaghetti. And yet, for some reason, this very simple question sent me over the edge. My mind started racing with the options: Should we order pizza (again) or pour bowls of cereal and call it a night? Of course, it wasn’t really the notion of take-out versus “brinner” that had me spiraling. It was the mere idea of making yet another decision after a day full of thinking and weighing and worrying and wondering.
As a mom of three, I probably make hundreds of tiny decisions from the moment my youngest wakes up—before sunrise, I might add—until the second I exhaustedly fall into bed. Some of these decisions are big (should we change daycares?). Many of them are trivial (like what’s for dinner). And plenty of others, well, they shouldn’t warrant much consideration, but for whatever reason they do—collectively, at least.
I, like many other parents, am facing what’s known as decision fatigue. And while this phrase has been used by psychologists for some time, it only became a part of our wider vernacular as COVID hit and we all started facing an immeasurable amount of no-win decisions about how to keep ourselves, our families, and our communities safe.
The consequences feel heavy, and the weight of this pressure can make us want to shut down. Of course, as parents, that’s not really an option. And while we may not always be operating at capacity, we have to do our best to “adult” for the sake of our families. That starts with acknowledging why decision fatigue happens and identifying some healthy coping mechanisms.
What Is Decision Fatigue?
Decision fatigue happens when we’re overwhelmed—with the options, the outcomes, and the circumstances. “When your energy is being used up for constant decision-making, it can deplete your frustration tolerance, which can lead to feelings of irritability, resentment, anxiety or apathy,” explains Renée Goff, PsyD, PMH-C, a clinical psychologist in Cincinnati, Ohio. This can manifest itself in a few different ways: You may find yourself “impulsively yelling at your kids or partner, hiding away in the bathroom or garage, or completely giving in and saying ‘Just do whatever you want…I don’t care anymore.’” Suffice it to say, you may not be your best self.
The real kicker? It’s a cycle, and “it’s endless,” Goff says. She adds that moms are often more likely to struggle with decision fatigue, since the majority of childrearing decisions tend to fall on them. “All eyes are on you and the pressure is intense.”
There’s no doubt that COVID and the unavoidable challenges of pandemic life have only added fuel to the fire. “[It’s] bumped up everybody’s stress levels—period!,” says Kim Burgess, PhD, a psychologist in Rockville, Maryland. “Everybody’s more tired, and therefore our brains are more taxed to function and certainly to make decisions.”
What’s more, everyday decisions have become more intricate and endlessly nuanced as we move into year three of COVID. While school, daycare, health department, and CDC guidelines provide some semblance of order, the rules are more or less open for interpretation (and constantly shifting). Basically, it’s starting to feel like a free-for-all, and every path has a questionable consequence: a loved one’s health, your kids’ social development or—more often than not—your own sanity.
How to Overcome Decision Fatigue
No one said parenting is easy. It’s normal to experience some degree of decision fatigue when the stakes are high and the responsibility feels weighty. But that doesn’t mean you have to feel stuck or helpless. Here are tips to help you get over the decision-fatigue hump.
- Trust your instincts and tune out other voices
With so many thoughts cluttering up your mind, it’s hard to focus and find that inner voice of reason. Moreover, it can be even more challenging to tune out other voices and outside opinions. But as Goff says, “You know your family best. Trust this and your instincts.” Decision fatigue can be exacerbated if you’re constantly worried about having all eyes on you. But here’s the thing: “Eyes will always be on you. So you can either let these eyes make you second guess your decisions or do what you know is best for you and your family.” - Share the responsibility
No parent is an island. It may feel like you’re on your own, but you can and should lean on your family, friends, and community. And if you have a partner, you should expect them to share the burden of family decision-making. “Tell [them] you’re struggling… and work together to see which decisions can be handed off,” suggests Goff. What’s more, take this collaborative mentality into your job life. Burgess advises parents to delegate as much as possible, and to try to leave work at work—so that they can concentrate on their home lives at home and prioritize self-care. - Plan ahead
We all have a lot on our plates. One small way to tackle the never-ending list of decisions and to-dos? Prepare whenever and wherever possible. “On the weekend, plan dinner for the upcoming week. Remember, there’s no shame in ‘Taco Tuesday’ every Tuesday or ‘free-for-all/fend-for-yourself’ Friday either,” says Goff. Beyond that, she suggests allowing yourself to let go of some control. “Let your kids actually pick out their outfits the night before. Remember, it doesn’t have to match. A purple tutu with rain boots never hurt anyone, and it definitely won’t matter in five years.” - Prioritize sleep
Feeling that brain fog set in? It’s hard to feel like your most confident, empowered, decision-making self when you’re running on fumes. (And, yes, many of us are operating on empty tanks.) “Getting more sleep is paramount. It affects our entire ability to function in many ways,” says Burgess. Of course, this can be easier said than done—especially if you have little ones waking through the night. Be kind to yourself, indulge in some self-care practices and get rest when you can. - Lower your expectations for yourself
Recognize that you don’t have all the answers. You won’t always be right, and that’s okay. Sometimes you have to take a step back to move forward. Burgess explains: “We think we have to know it all, which makes us even more brain-tired. You’ll get unstuck when you take the pressure off. When our stress and anxiety levels go down, our brain says, ‘Yay, I can think more clearly now, and we can make a decision more easily.’” - Get moving
If you’re struggling or feeling stuck, get up and move. Go for a walk, dance it out, lift weights, ride your bike. Some sweat, fresh air, and endorphins can work wonders. “Exercise is known to make our brains think better and [help us] make decisions,” explains Burgess. - Give yourself a time out
Take a beat and a deep breath. Sometimes it’s okay to walk away from a situation that’s escalating your anxiety. Burgess suggests putting on headphones and listening to music to get into “the zone.” She explains that this can help you tune out outside noises and distractions and, ultimately, enable you to find focus and clarity in your decision-making. - Use social media in a mindful way
Social media is a double-edged sword. On one hand, you can find a supportive community that extends beyond your immediate circle. On the other? Judgment and pressure abound. “Throw COVID-19 into the mix, and the backlash you’ll get from family and/or social media for [making] the ‘wrong’ decision will be amplified because everyone has such strong opinions,” says Goff. In other words: Your Facebook feed is not the ideal forum for decision-making. You do you—and don’t ask the internet for permission.
Some Effective Strategies to Channel Mom Rage Constructively
Parenting can be hard—infuriating, even. Here are some strategies to help you constructively channel that super-charged energy.
My first-grader thinks she’s a teenager. The sass, the eye roll-heavy attitude, the elephant foot-stomping, and the hands-on-hip defiance—it’s cute, until it’s not. The backtalk and very purposeful button-pushing cease to be charming at 8:45 p.m. when I’m burnt out from a day of parenting and working and cooking and cleaning and all-around adulting—and I’m begging, pleading, yelling(!) for her to just. go. to. bed.
Weekday mornings aren’t all sunshine and rainbows either. She’s exhausted from fighting sleep and I’m in get-it-done mode. With three kids to shove out the door for school and daycare and an overflowing inbox awaiting me, I don’t have the time or patience for foot-dragging, outfit meltdowns, and breakfast refusals. Plus, her big brother likes to go out of his way to poke the bear, and my littlest one is most likely melting down about our screen-free morning policy—because she needs Peppa Pig.
Cue my impatience. The mounting frustration. The bubbling inevitability of it all. And the next child to test boundaries is going to get the wrath. Tick-tick-boom—I’m officially a shaking, thrashing, clenching mom-rage cliché.
Not my finest moment. It never is, though. I can’t count how many times I’ve told myself I’ll do better. I’ll find a more effective strategy. I’ll source more patience and remember that I created these tiny people who may or may not be actively trying to push me over the edge.
If this sounds familiar (and please tell me it does, so I don’t feel quite so alone), you may be a mom, and you may have experience with so-called “mom rage.” But why does this anger consume us, and how can we rein in the rage and be the grown-up in a situation where we feel wholly out of control?
What Is Mom Rage?
Seeing red? Feel like you’re about to explode? Christina Furnival, LPCC, a licensed mental health therapist in California, notes that mom rage is essentially “the adult version of a child’s tantrum.” And the same way a toddler may seem totally unhinged in a moment of blind fury, “a mom completely dysregulates and [her emotions] boil over.” What’s more, she notes that mom rage can manifest in many different ways. It can appear as “irritability, restlessness, fatigue, anger, yelling, feelings of loss of control, and aggression.” What’s the common denominator across the board? “It’s almost invariably followed by regret, remorse, guilt, and shame,” says Furnival.
Yes, mom rage and mom guilt can go hand-in-hand (imagine that!). Why, though? For starters, moms tend to bear the brunt of child-rearing responsibilities, which means they’re the ones dealing with the more relentless, more mundane, more infuriating challenges that come with the territory. What’s more, Furnival points out that “it’s less socially acceptable for women to express anger than it is for men.” So, really, it’s no wonder that it’s been branded “mom rage,” instead of a more universal “parent rage.”
Regardless of what it’s called, it’s not particularly pleasant to be on the giving or receiving end of this unfiltered fury. Suffice it to say, it can lead to a cycle of bad behavior and negative reactions—on both sides.
How to Cope When You Feel the Mom Rage Bubbling
Mom rage doesn’t just rear its ugly head at random; you typically feel it coming. But that building sensation is actually a good thing; it can help you learn to identify cues and work on that not-so-great knee-jerk response. Ready to find healthier ways to cope for the sake of yourself, your kiddos, and your family dynamic? Read on for expert tips and words of wisdom.
1. Do Your Own Growth Work
If you find yourself overreacting again and again, and the circumstances seem somewhat similar on each occasion, it may be time to do a bit of personal reflection. The eye-opening truth is that it could be previous trauma resurfacing. “When the unfinished business from our past is triggered, we lose contact with the executive functioning (or the decision making part of our brains) and slip into the lower functioning (think fright, flight, freeze) of our limbic system,” says Gertrude Lyons, a professional life coach and founder of Rewrite the Mother Code. She explains that building self-awareness and identifying your anger’s root cause can help bring you back to a more level-headed here and now. “This takes time and intentional effort, but [it’s] well worth it in the long run.”
And if you’re unable to identify the specific trigger that sets you off? Well, that’s okay too. What you can do is label what you’re feeling. Sometimes simply taking a moment to acknowledge an overwhelming emotion can put you in a safe mental place to manage it more effectively.
2. Give Yourself a “Time-Out” Break
If you feel like you’re about to lose it on your littles, separate yourself from a potentially volatile situation. Go to a different spot in the house or step outside and get fresh air. Physical space gives you breathing room to de-escalate and decompress. “Taking the time for this reflection and repair will go a long way in building critical thinking and emotional awareness,” says Lyons. Consider this your own personal grown-up calming corner.
3. Give Yourself a Free Pass to Tantrum
Heck, even adults need a cathartic release every now and again. Find a private space and let out some anger. “Maybe you hit the couch and yell and scream,” suggests Lyons. Better yet, take up boxing or go for a run. Exerting yourself in a physical but safe way can help you release energy and let go of any toxic feelings (plus, you’ll get a bonus endorphin boost). “Doing this on a regular basis allows everyone to get out pent-up feelings rather than let them build,” says Lyons.
4. Call for a “Do-Over”
We want our kids to be able to admit when they’re wrong, so lead by example and own up to your mistakes. “Identify that your reaction was out of sync with the [situation],” says Lyons. “Call a ‘do-over,’ and replay the situation in a way that honors your upset feelings and addresses the behavior in a responsible way.” Basically, you can turn your meltdown moment into a learning opportunity—so shut down the self-shaming and grow from the experience.
5. Communicate with Your Partner
Often, mom rage bubbles over because you’re overworked, overwhelmed, or over-stressed. Delegating and sharing responsibilities at home can help prevent this emotional escalation from happening in the first place. “Have continual conversations with your partner about your load so that they can take some of your tasks off of you, hopefully lowering your baseline stress level,” advises Furnival. You’re not an island—and you need to be willing to ask for and accept help.
6. Lower Your Standards and Change Your Tactics
Sometimes you have to lower expectations—for yourself and your little ones. If you’re trying to uphold a parenting standard that’s actually unrealistic, it’s time to reevaluate and choose to let go, says Lyons. “Make a plan for how you’ll handle yourself differently going forward… Maybe you’ll throw on the TV and take 10, [or] try an opposite behavior, such as whispering and portraying a hyper-calm state.” If that last one sounds like a lofty goal, we hear you. But having a specific tactic in mind ahead of time (like playing the part of a zen mama) can help you find focus in an otherwise frenetic moment. Moreover, you might be surprised at the effect this conscious change has on your child’s behavior—not to mention your own emotional state.
7. Repeat a Mantra
Feel your sanity slipping? If you know you’re about to explode on your little people, try taking deep breaths and repeating a mantra. Furnival suggests a simple phrase like “I will let this slide” or “I will be the calm in the chaos.”
8. Seek Help When You Need It
Remember, you’re not alone. Almost every parent will experience some degree of rage from time to time. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom; it just means you’re human.
That said, Furnival stresses the importance of seeking therapy for perpetual rage or anger that puts you or your kids in danger. While episodes of mom rage can happen to anyone, it’s also sometimes a sign of an underlying postpartum mental health disorder. Finding a therapist to talk to—perhaps one focused on the maternal space—can help you take back control.
Parenting will test you. Your patience will be tried, and your frustration tolerance will be met (often). Occasional episodes of mom rage may be an inevitable part of the journey, but a hearty dose of perspective can help get you through the more challenging days.
About the Experts:
Christina Furnival, LPCC, is a licensed mental health therapist and parenting blogger in California. She has also authored several social-emotional learning children’s books. She earned her master of science in professional counseling degree from David Lipscomb University in Nashville, Tennessee.
Gertrude Lyons is a professional life coach and lead faculty member and director of family programs for The Wright Foundation for the Realization of Human Potential in Chicago, Illinois. She is also the founder of Rewriting The Mother Code.